You know you’re a mom when:
1.) Your at the doctors office, see a sectary, awaiting patients, a nurse, and your doctor, before you realize your shirt is on inside out and no one bothered to tell you.
2.) Spit up is the newest thing in hair gel.
3.) Your new coach purse stinks of used baby diapers, because there was no trash can near the last time you changed a poopy diaper.
4.) A bill collector calls and you say “I’m sorry, there is a poopy diaper in the next room screaming its face off, and oatmeal and eggs walking around on four feet, spreading it across my house” and hang up on them, with out a second thought.
5.) You step in something slimy and gross, and continue on your way to the laundry room to change loads, because you know, “a little baby spit up never hurt anyone”
6.) You go out to the bar with friends, and think your looking mighty fine because everyone and there uncle is checking you out, only to hear once you get into the girls room “there is something on your ass” upon closer inspection, you realize you have a jiz colored spot of baby sit-up, and maybe traces of breakfast on the butt of your jeans, and you don’t care.
7.) You can change a diaper, make a bottle, burp the baby, and safely tuck them back into bed, with out waking up.
8.) When your baby farts, all you can say is “awwee”
9.) Your speaking to a very hot guy in the check outs of walmart, and all of a sudden your baby turns beat red and is making grunting noises, only to be followed by a god awful stink, and wonder why he turned red and replies with “yeah, sooo, ummm, I got to go”
10.)You can ALWAYS find a spare diaper and toys in your purse, but rarely can find a tampon, lip stick tube, or a cell phone in your purse.
11.) You can’t walk into walmart or any store for that matter with out coming out with SOMETHING for baby, and in the process forgetting the ONE item you originally went to the store for.
12.) Before baby, at the end of the night, cuddling, a drink, and sex sounded WONDERFUL as a closer for your long day.
13.) Sex? what’s sex?!
14.) Going 3 days with out a shower is normality in your life.
15.) Getting a hot shower, alone, with out a baby on the floor next to or in the tub with you, is like going to the spa for the day, truly orgasmic.
16.) The new “sexy” is your period panties, jogging pants, and oversized T-shirt, you know deep down inside your husband is lying, but you don’t care.
17.) When your child’s father comes home and says “I’m tired, I worked all day, you don’t know what its like” you want to feed him Clorox, and broken glass for dinner
18.) Loosing baby weight becomes your New Years resolution for the next 5 New Years.
19.)You realize you parents weren’t superman, and neither are you.
20.) you get JUST as excited for Santa to come, maybe MORE excited than your child does.
21.) The CD visor in your car is no longer full of avenge sevenfold, or Green Day, its full of kidspop, Mickey Mouse club, and baby Balouga, and what’s worse, you sing those songs to yourself on a regular basis, because “its stuck in my head, I swear!”
22.) You truly believe nap time was invented by the Gods.
23.) You get jealous when you were playing with a kick ass baby toy, and your child wants it now, and you JUST had it figured out.
24.) Dressing up was something you once did, you kind of remember what it was like, but its just a distant memory now, kind of hazy, almost like a dream.
25.)You used to find it unnerving to see a mother breast feed in public, now you think it’s the most beautiful thing you could ever witness.
26.) speaking of boobies, the boobs you once loved, the perky, amazing, full of life, always popping out to say hello perfectly formed “fun bags” you once loved, now face your feet, never listen to you, are always out of control. There hardly “fun bags” more like sagging paper weights, mainly used for feedings, and occasionally leverage for something you want from hubby dearest.
27.)Your child has something on there hands, and you wonder to yourself is it poop, or mud? With out thinking you lick it, and realize its just mud.
28.) that super annoying hand lick your ma’ used to do to fix your hair or wipe your face is something you now do with out thinking, or concern.
29.) You realized you were wrong, you did turn out like your mother, JUST like your mother, and you thank god you did too, because you know your now baby, soon to be teenager won’t get away with SHIT, and you couldn’t be more thrilled!
30.) When a minivan is a kick ass ride!
31.) When you hear yourself say “OMG!!!! THE WIGGLES ARE IN TOWN!!!!”
32.)When you can carry 6 bags of groceries, a diaper bag, your purse, a baby, his bottle, and answer a call while unlocking your door, your not just a mother, but the SHIT as well!
33.) When getting your house cleaned, the laundry done, dinner made, and the baby is alive and clean and fed, you feel like you accomplished the impossible.
34.) When you can eat your dinner with one hand and not only cradle, but bottle or breastfeed at the SAME TIME.
35.) When things you used to find “totally awesome” are now offensive or appalling.
36.)When you leave your baby for the first time, and you call the sitter two minutes after backing out of the driveway to make sure the baby is ok, than continue to do so every 10 minutes after that. After supper you skip the desert and movie, drive as fast as light home, hold your baby crying and whimpering to yourself saying “I’ll never leave you again” and at the time, truly mean it!
37.) You look for the coolest most fashionable diaper bag in the land, because a month after having your baby, you realize your day of designer bags is over.
38.) A diet coke and a cigarette no longer consists of a “meal”
39.) Your baby gets his blood taken, or a shot, and it hurts you to the point that not only is your baby crying his poor little head off, but you’re crying your head off too.
40.) When your at a business meeting and your cellphone starts ringing "were the Imagnation movers" and your like lost in song before you realize everyone is watching you bust a move infront of the office manager.
41.)You managed to get a babysitter so you could go to a doctors apointment and when your half way there you realize you've been not only LISTENING to, but SINGING along to "Pajanimals" and was having a blast doing so.
42.)If you go into the WIC office after having baby and all of a sudden its like the Clorox commerical, and you see nothing but neon green bug things and children in slow motion shoving that little toy hammer in there mouth that another kid just wiped there nose with and want to grab the mother next to you by the coller, wild eyed, and scream "OMG DID U SEE THAT"
43.)When you trade your fancy morning coffee and nice dinners for Mcdonalds and KFC.
44.) When you've removed your kid away from the potty a million times today and finally you see your kid dip his cookie in the bowl and take a bite a second two late to grab it, you shrug your shoulders and think "meh, he has put worse things in his mouth" and walk away shaking your head.
45.) "mom, can we go to chucky cheese? "OMG, HECK YES WE CAN GO TO CHUCKY CHEESE" walking away dancing in excitement singing to yourself "its the place to be a kid"
46.) when you can rewrite your LOs favorite lulaby to a poop song- tomake your kid go on the big boy potty...Whats that stink, can you smell it, its your butt, stinky stinky butt, I wonder whats inside your butt, that makes it stink? stink-a-stink-a lot, maybe its a garbage man, emptying all his garbage cans, in your butt and in your gutt, stink it up, yuck, yuck, yuck, stink, stunk, stinking though the night! whats that stink, can you smell it? its your butt, stinky, stinky butt, I wonder whats inside your butt, that makes it stink, stink-a-stink-a lot, maybe its a pop tart making ur butt fart, in ur butt and in ur gutt, stink it up, yuck, yuck, yuck, stink. stunk. stinkkinn thouughh theeee niiiiighhhhhhttt!
47.)Your child convinces ur there is a potty monster too-
48.)when you walk past a mirror, and out of the corner of your eye you see a blood shot, frazzled, man, and freak out because there in an intruder in your house. upon closer inspection you realize its your reflection, and think..."omg, do I really look like that" shake your hair, and walk away.
49.) your watching "dangerious women" and think" oh, no...I've thought of doing that one time or another."
50.) your husband comes home horny, your tired, and have NO INTREST in doing anything he has running though his mind, but decide its easier to get it done, than try to make excuses. He starts going at you, and in your head your thinking "poor guy, I wonder if he knows he missed and is humping the cat?
51) if your friend, that has no children is giving you pareting advice and you temporarly zone out imagining yourself shoving a pacifier in her mouth looking at her angerly and saying "I hope when you have a kid you have a friend just like you, one without kids, that thinks she knows "EVERYTHING". Than reality hits you and you reply with "ohh yeah, good point" instead of what your really thinking.
52.) your so tired that you sit on the couch waching your child pull the spices out of the cabnit, and just shake your head and sigh.
53.) when your sitting on the potty singing to yourself "look mom, I'm a big kid now"
54.) when you find yourself DVRing Hanna montaina because you just gotta know what the world thinks of big secret coming out.
55.) When you see an infomercial for P.J pants that look jeans and your looking for the phone ferantically, just hearing it ring brings excitement that you haven't felt since your new baby took his first steps- the opperator picks up the phone.. "OMG, I need to make an order...yes, yes..Ohh size? hmm, medium...wait...maybe large...Ok, Visa, 5565*5546*5545*7777, 12-09-13...YES, over night! Hang up- and call your best friend and say "OMG, GUESS WHAT THEY HAVE NOW"
56.)
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