December 2009 ♥

December 13, 2009

Dear Colton,

Things lately have been so hard on us both, I honestly think sometimes you’re getting sick of me- We are stuck with each other almost every hour of everyday and it’s so hard because you’ve been sick the past few days, you had strep throat.  It was so sad for me to see you so uncomfortable and in as much pain as you have been. Nothing I or anyone else could do could help you feel better.

Today was the second time since your birth that I went out with a friend, it was hard for me to adjust I guess, because I brought you with me and I thought for sure that Crystal and I would have nothing in common anymore because she did not have a child. I found it hard to find common ground with her because our lives are so very different now- But you just LOVED spending time with her, it was nice to see you smile, that’s why I kind of figured you were getting a little tired of me, because you’ve been so sick and irritable lately and as soon as you were around a new person you just lit up!! I’m not sure though, it could have been just the fresh air and the outing that made you feel better, because I know it made me feel loads better. 

I’ve been so short with you lately, and I feel so guilty because I want so badly to be the best person I can be around you.   I forgot how important going out and associating with other adults was, it’s just as important for you as it is for me.  It gave me the break from being 100% responsible for you and as soon as we got home, all I wanted to do was spend time with you.  I know that sounds a bit odd, but when you’re stuck with the same person, lifestyle, and routines every single minute of every single day, the lifestyle we live starts to get old, and drag, and well, to be honest it made me a bit depressed.  I love you SO much; I can’t even put in words how much happiness and love you make me feel every day.  I feel guilty because the last few days I have taken you, and our family, for granted because I was so overwhelmed.   I started to believe I couldn’t do it anymore; I was not cut out to be the mother you deserve. But what I realized today, as I was sitting around with Crystal and her boyfriend, realizing how much we didn’t have in common anymore, I saw that I WAS cut out to be your mother, I WAS good enough, because I simply didn’t care. I didn’t care that Crystal and I would never have the same relationship we did before your birth- I didn’t care that I only had you in my life, and no other adult to spend time with-I didn’t care because I realized that the ONLY person I cared for was you!  I want to be around you all the time, and yea, sometimes I’ll need some adult time, and need to go out and spend time with people my own age, but at the end of the night all I want to do is come home to you, see your smiling face and how much you grew in the short few hours I was gone!  You make me so happy, and even though sometimes I want to pop your little head off, you STILL make me happy, and I still love you more than I could love anything in the world.  You are the reason I was put on this earth, you are the reason I get up every day **and… multiple times a night** because I want what’s best for both of us, to be healthy and happy and together!

You teach me important lessons every day, it’s funny, because you can’t even talk yet, and you’re already teaching-  You taught me how to love something unselfishly and more than myself, you taught me how to let go, and move on. You taught me how to grow up, and learn from my past. You’ve taught me how be happy with my life, and make the best of sometimes a not so good situation.  You did all of that without even speaking ONE word to me.  You’re meant to do great things in life Colton, you will be someone who teaches people so many important things, and helps people without even trying- I can feel it in my bones that you will amount to great things.

I am so lucky to be your mother, thank you SO much for being who you are, never try to be anything other than just that.

Love always and forever,

Mommy